In her tail: how things would have gone down if I was the Little Mermaid

CAST IN THIS WEEK'S POST

The original, non-Disneyified story of the Little Mermaid is nothing short of horrific. It’s basically a sequence of horrible things happening one after the other.

If you aren’t familiar with the original story and don’t plan on reading the rest of this post I can some it up for you in a few words.

The mermaid gets fucked royally.

This is my depiction of what would happen if I were the Little Mermaid.

Firstly, being a mermaid would be totally rock. In the story, mermaids live to be 300 which is awesome. They don’t have souls so they don’t get to go to heaven which I suppose is a bummer. I’m already not going to heaven anyway so I would take my 300 years in the ocean and consider myself out on top. When mermaids die they turn into sea foam (which is like the ocean’s answer to ashes I guess).

Generally things are awesome under the sea.

So one day, the Little Mermaid saves a handsome prince who has fallen into the sea during a storm. She falls in love with him and he has no idea who she is. We’ve all been here – it’s sucky.

The mermaid’s response to this rejection is perplexing. She visits a sea witch and asks to be allowed to go up on land so she can see the ungrateful bastard who can’t swim and blanks her. Honestly he’s a bit of a drip. Forget him, girl power.

The witch offers her legs only if she gives up her voice. Also when she uses the legs, it feels like she’s walking on KNIVES! Finally, she can never come back to sea.

The Little Mermaid also has an opportunity while on land to earn a soul. In order to actually get a soul pass that is accepted by the bouncer at the pearly gates of heaven, the Little Mermaid has to make the prince fall in love with her, marry her and let some of his princely soul come her way. Otherwise, at dawn on the first day after he marries another woman, the Little Mermaid will disintegrate into sea foam. High stakes!

In her place, I think I would have passed on this particular offer.

“Um look, thanks anyway but you lost me at the word mute. I honestly have no idea why anyone would think that’s a good deal. You’re a witch, can’t you give the legs without the find true love bit? Anyway, I’ll forgo a life of forced silence to continue to be magnificent for another 273 years thanks.”

So the Little Mermaid, unlike me in her tail, decides to accept the world’s worst deal and heads on land to seduce Prince McDrownsEasily.

The prince doesn’t mind that she can’t speak or whatever because he’s obviously a misogynist and he should probably be on the next season of the Bachelor.

He does make her dance on her knife feet for him and wow suddenly watching her gyrate all over him is going to make him love her. So seriously babe, I’m defs gonna call you.

So next comes a massive miscommunication. This can happen when you can’t speak – the lesson here is that you should not give your voice to a strange lady in exchange for magic potion just because she says it will make you more appealing to men.

The prince doesn’t call the mermaid because he’s marrying another girl who he thinks rescued him that time he nearly downed! Oh miscommunication, you devil you, think of the dark irony, I suffered all this for nothing, massive LOLs for all of us watching from the sidelines.

Memories of when my life was awesome.

Maybe the woman the prince married is mute too because she fails to mention to him that she DIDN’T save him. Clearly the Prince has a type.

The next part of the story allows the witch to redeem herself a bit by encouraging the mermaid to use murder as a resolution.

The little mermaid has sisters and they sell their hair to the witch (who now has a tail, a voice and hair so is clearly building herself a little friend). The witch gives the sisters a knife. I'm not sure if it was really worth trading their hair for something that wan easily be found in any person's kitchen but maybe knives are rare under the sea. If the Little Mermaid kills the prince with the knife and lets his blood drip on her feet, she will become a mermaid again and get to live to be 300.

If I were the Little Mermaid I would have no hesitation in stabbing the prince. At the end of the day, I saved his life when he nearly drowned so by killing him I’m just restoring the natural order of things. Also, he married that random! Dick!

Anyway, in the story she can’t go through with it so she’s turned into sea foam. I’d be pretty cut.

Apparently originally that’s where the story ended. Hans Christian Anderson added in an additional bit, probably to give the kiddies some reason to continue to believe in goodness and a point to their existence. In the revised version there seems to be ‘hope’ left that the end of the story because apparently as sea foam the Little Mermaid will have the opportunity to earn a soul by doing good deeds.

Whatever, as if that’s a positive thing – a life of sea foam labour! Also I assume that the prince gets to live happily ever after (or at least until he takes his yacht out again and drowns for real because his actual wife isn’t a lifesaver after all).

In conclusion, I would not risk being turned into sea foam over some guy but I think that’s OK and I think Shelley’s OK too.

X

Smelle