Sunday, February 15, 2015

Life is like a sudoko until Pete Evans hurts your brain

This week's cast:

Have you made the life changing decision to go paleo? Because if it is you might want to stop reading now before I hurt your feelings by saying mean things about your God, Pete Evans.

I don’t really do new year's resolutions other than ‘drink less booze’ which I think I’ve finally achieved after years of hang-overed failure. Rather than new year's resolutions, I like to be more positive than that so each year I pick a mantra for the year.

My colleague Rosemary’s work mantra every year is the same:

Do as you are told
Go on holidays
Be nice
Eat chocolate.

My mantra for this year was “Just because something is true, doesn’t mean that it needs to be said at that particular moment” and then I changed to be a resolution to eat fewer gummi bears from the gummi bear box at work. Then I ate a bunch of gummi bears on the 2nd of Jan so now it’s back to “Just because something is true, doesn’t mean that it needs to be said at that particular moment”.

Although after my last post, I think I might have as a secondary principle – “celebrate adequate”.

Anyway, what does this have to do with my unhealthy negative feelings towards Pete Evans?

Look it all comes back to the problem with the modern world. Modern day society and its internet is dangerous place for a sensible person to spend time at the best of time. It’s also extremely dangerous for a feminist to spend time. The planet is filled with passionately ignorant people who want to share to their world view.

At times, these people are maddening.

You can’t allow yourself to find it maddening though. Being outraged at the world is not way to live and shutting yourself of from the world is not the solution either. You must leave the house and function without being enraged constantly.

To help me cope with other humans, I have developed certain strategies for protecting myself from the ignorance of the mainstream media by mainly laughing at people and shrugging things off.

My number one strategy is to pretend that the world is giant sudoku, you just do it the way it’s supposed to be done even if there is no meaning to it. A sudoku uses numbers but it is not maths. Andrew Bolt uses words but he is not a sense making person.

“The Aboriginals are to blame for terrorism because left leaning people made up the stolen generation and that’s why the terrorists think that we are ready hate ourselves”. [this is actually what he thinks, like actually]
I counter your argument Mr Bolt by saying, this column needs a 9. I shall now return to my happy place.

Using this strategy, I’ve trained myself to read a whole article by him without getting offended. It’s also, much like a sudoko, satisfying to know that you’ve accomplished it. Increasingly you can improve your skills by taking on more challenging puzzles.

Every now and again though, something slips through the cracks of my Sudoku system and once they’re in I can’t get them out.

It’s when I least expect it that they come my way. The most offensive people I can deal with, it’s the middle of the pack, just kind of annoying people that get me. Earlier in the day I’ve deftly fended off Pro-Life protesters near my work (by ironically imagining that they were a collection of three little 6s in a row ready to be distributed into a sudoku) and then BAM – while watching an innocent cooking show, I’m flattened.

Aren't they cute?

I first realised that Pete Evans had broken through the Sudoku gates over multiple conversations with a friend from work.

Draxela’s daughter has food intolerances to pretty much everything so she’s had to become quite the expert in all of the approaches in food from veganism to paleo, FODMAP to adding butter to your coffee. Draxela's daughter couldn’t sleep because of the mystery intolerances and a completely sleep deprived Draxela survived as best as she could on coffee.

Anyway Draxela seems to have worked out what her daughter can and can’t eat and is now feeling a fair bit better that she’s sleeping. You can read more about her chronic slept deprivation on her blog.

WOW, it’s like the world is in high definition… I can remember details like where I parked my car! This is heaven!

She was still a bit addicted to coffee though, which I supported as a valid lifestyle choice. I have no shame in admitting that coffee is my favourite vice.

I didn’t realise how much I was ruminating on Pete Evans until she suggested seeking help.
Obviously I had mentioned that I hated Pete Evans about 1000 times during all of these conversations about allergies and diets. The Draxela directed me to a (support) group on facebook called ‘blocked by Pete Evans’ so that I could be with my own kind. With their help, I am dealing with my Pete Evans related issues. If you haven't visited the page, please do, it's very excellent.

I didn’t see Pete ‘Immagoodperson’ Evans coming, I didn’t have the guard up and now he’s in my mind and I can’t get him out. I already knew what quinoa was when Pete Evans came along so I was all like “what can you do to me hey? I know what foods are high in omega three so you don’t even need to go there man.” Also I was generally only knew of Pete Evans on My Kitchen Rules and Manu was there talking about homemade puff pastry so I thought I was in safe hands.

I take issue with Pete Evans and his shameless smug promotion of disordered eating to vulnerable teenagers who are eager to learn how to hate themselves.

I honestly don’t care if you want to eat paleo or vegan or even a diet entirely of watermelon and Fanta. It’s your life and it’s largely boring. But if you’ve ever known someone with anorexia nervosa or what a lot of people refer to as orthorexia, you’ll know why I feel the way I do about Pete Evans. He has also suggested that our diet is responsible for the number of people who have mental health issues which is extremely ignorant and perpetuates the stigma that mental health problems are the failing of the individual. Also he’s friendly with a lot of anti-vaccination folk from the North Coast. Massive frowny face.

Also and he’s criminally smug. That smiling son of a bitch has set up camp in the middle of my happy silent space in my mind. He’s smugly making a fucking salad which he is smugly calling chakra –omg it has bacon in it. Most hindus don’t eat bacon how can you call a salad chakra when it has bacon in it, do you think paleo is a more balanced lifestyle than Hinduism, do you think paleo is a religion, oh my god, oh my god I’m coming undone!

And suddenly the Sudoku system has fallen apart. I’m spiralling into a cycle of realising the depths of Pete Evans’s stupidity. It’s an internal reinforcing cycle of logic and anger.

The strict structures of the sudoko have been replaced with this:

Once I’ve escaped the spiral, I am left broken and overwhelmed by a sense of betrayal and despair. I direct this anger to the person I hold most responsible, the only logical person to blame, a Frenchman.

Manu, how could you? I expected this of some hipster white Australian guy with suspiciously white teeth… but you, you are French. The French talk of vegetarianism like it’s a disease. You cannot eat a meal without providing analysis on le sauce for 20 minutes! How could you stand near someone who suggests that we cut cheese out of our diet?

Anyway I may be able to forgive Manu for his crimes by eating my way back into safe sudoku territory.



  1. What! No cheese? Tell him to get stuffed.

  2. This is too good!


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