Summernats and lattes do not go hand in hand

CAST

Once again it’s that time of the year where tumbleweeds roll through the main streets of Canberra. Canberra is empty because its people have fled to the beaches of the sapphire coast.

Most of people in my team decided to work on the 2 of Jan (I think because we all know that it’s the crusiest day of the year not because we are particularly dedicated public servants).

All of the carparks are available

This silence is altogether not a surprise. After all my plan to stop people from visiting Canberra was going really swimmingly at the end of last year. There was United 870 flight from the US sat on the tarmac at the Canberra airport all day on the 12 of December and they didn't let the people visit Canberra. That’s my birthday and it was a wonderful gift.

Read all about it here: http://www.smh.com.au/business/aviation/united-airlines-passengers-stranded-in-brisbane-and-canberra-after-sydney-runway-closure-20141212-125v6j.html.

Sadly, with Summernats being on, people visited Canberra.

In stark contrast to the silence of the ghost city is the soothing sounds of Summernats. Suddenly the tumberweeds are violently blow into the lake by the exhaust of hotted up cars.

Needless to say, I do not partake in the Summernats festivities. All cars look the same to me from a distance. I have this fear that I’ll be a witness to a serious crime and the police will have to deal with my total car dyslexia when I'm useless at describing the get away car.

"It was black. And smallish. I think a hatchback? Wait, the roof was a bit slopey in places but flat in others, what’s that called? The number plate had a 7 or an F in it I think."

For the first four days of January, the city is overrun with car enthusiasts. They do burn outs, they drink beer and generally have a good time (assuming that volume is the measure for fun, I think they have a great time). Last year I saw the most sunburnt human being I’d ever seen at the Dickson shops. I swear that guy was going to have one jager bomb at Suburban and would have to be hospitalised. He was purple. Truly. But through the purple he was smiling.

So, at this time of year our sleepy city, manned by a couple of public servants checking their emails, is loaned to the nation’s noise-loving car enthusiasts.

The perfect example of this contradiction is the coffee/car paradox. You can either be participating in/trapped by/watching a car parade or asleep at your desk. Those are your choices.

All the coffee shops are closed the week after Christmas (usually one coffee shop does the huge community a great service and stays open. This year it was Superfine, thank god for them). The panic inducing reality of this situation is that Superfine is on the OTHER SIDE OF NORTHBORNE FROM MY BUILDING!

If you cross Northborne at the wrong time you will likely be stranded and unable to get back for well over an hour. If you don’t leave to get coffee then you are stranded without coffee and fall asleep at your desk.

I think rather than pitting the sleepy public servants against the cars, we should find a way to come together. My colleague Rosemary suggested that we should have another car festival in June. We shall call it Winternats.

At Winternats, people drive boring cars at a safe speed. In lieu of the tattoo competition, there will be a demonstration of the latest in kiddie car seat technology. Instead of setting the world record for the largest number of burn outs, we’ll attempt to set the record for the largest number of roof rack installations in a day. All entrants will get a discount at their next visit to Ray’s muffler repair.

The coffee shops will all be open in winter so we won’t have a repeat of the coffee zone cut-off debacle of Friday. Also because the festival will be held in the middle of a Canberra winter, everyone will be appropriately dressed. No southern cross bikinis here – sensible shoes and a parka.

This is the car festival for real Canberrans – driving a fuel efficient car at a slow enough speed that you won’t spill your latte. I look forward to seeing you all there.